Column: Don’t count your uranium before it’s processed

This weekend, America will face one of the members of the Axis of Evil in an epic battle that will determine the fate of…well, women’s soccer.

The World Cup match between the USA team and North Korea pits a democratically-elected superpower against a communist totalitarian team that may or may not have nuclear weapons. To be honest though, it’s just eleven talented women kicking a black and white ball around eleven other talented women.

I’m just surprised North Korea has a soccer team at all. I didn’t think communists played sports. You never hear about a Vietnamese volleyball team or Cuban lacrosse. Typically, possible American enemies don’t join in the sporting festivities either. This would explain why Iraq didn’t participate in the World Basketball Championships or Iran in the World Hot Dog Eating Championships.

After watching the North Korean team get their communists butts beaten by a bunch of pig-tailed Swedes tonight, I don’t think America will have much to worry about this weekend. USA kicked the meatballs out of Sweden on Sunday and will likely do the same with North Korea. Minus the meatballs, of course.

This match could be a very good thing to ease the current icy relationship between our two countries. North Korea, not Sweden. We just had brunch with Sweden the other day so our relationships with them is just dandy.

The Olympics and other international sporting events have helped lead to better relations between countries in the past. Examples include the ping-pong matches between China and America in the 70s and the great cow dung catapult tossing match between America and Canada in 1981 that helped prevent war.

Perhaps, this soccer match will have a similar thawing effect with North Korea and America.

Or maybe a red card will result in a red button being pushed. Luckily, the red button doesn’t control a nuclear weapon, but just Kim Jong-Il remote control. Only sore losers don’t watch until the end of a match.

More than likely nothing will happen as a result of the game. But, I’m looking forward to it anyway. I’ve always been a decent soccer fan and I really get into it during World Cup action. I get so excited whenever America scores that I pull a Brandi Chastain. For those of you not familiar with the USA soccer players, this means I take my shirt off and, yes, reveal my sports bra.

I don’t think we’ll be seeing any North Koreans pulling a Brandi Chastain. First, I’m pretty sure that breaks some common communist rule like sharing all your wealth and wearing Mickey Mouse ears every other Monday. Secondly, North Korea would be lucky to score a goal against America.

But you have to be careful.

North Korea could shock the USA.

It’s been known to happen before. Like that time they revealed they had nuclear capabilities or that other time when Kim’s dad, Kim Il-Sung, accidentally made a guest appearance on Hee Haw. Shucks, that was embarrassing.

In any case, I’m not ready to celebrate with a nice can of democratically-elected Coca Cola yet. Don’t count your uranium before it’s processed. I wonder what the North Koreans will pour over their coach’s head on the off chance they win. Do communists drink what the rest of us do? Or do they have to use the cheap version of Gatorade, better known as Fakeleatherade.

Whatever the outcome of the match, it will be nice to see the players shake hands at the end of it. Maybe one day our leaders will be doing the same. Playing soccer that is, not shaking hands. I think Bush could take Kim in a game of one-on-one.

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