Column: Murdock Spillman meets the Pope

Joe Grace is off desperately trying to buy tickets for a Cubs playoff game. In his stead, Murdock Spillman, Relationship Guru, will be answering your questions. Murdock once dated one of the Cubs cheerleaders. Of course, the Cubs don’t have cheerleaders, but it’s experiences like that which make Murdock the Relationship Guru he is.

Q: What’s jiving Guru? Dude, I dig this chica mica, but she grosses on bout how she can’t biggle wiggle a word I shook at. What should I methusabobble?

A: What?

Q: Murdock, I need your help desperately. I love my boyfriend, but he hates my cat. Every time he comes over (the cat, not the boyfriend – it’s an outdoor cat), my boyfriend starts spitting and trying to scratch the poor thing. Should I get rid of the cat…or the boyfriend?

A: It’s like that guy from the Price is Right says (relationship gurus can’t be bothered with remembering details like actual names). Make sure you neuter and spade your pets. So, yeah. Have your boyfriend neutered.

Q: I have a question for you Mr. Spillman. I’m a young man trying to figure out which of these two girls I’m seeing is worth a long term relationship and I’m not sure if I should ask Dear Abby or Ann Landers? What do you think?

A: You’re seeing Dear Abby and Ann Landers! Whoa! Bonus points for sisters, but I’m pretty sure one of them is dead and you lose six points for that.

Q: I have this friend who has this friend who has this other friend who really, really, really likes this girl a whole lot, but this friend of a friend of a friend is afraid to ask her out because this complete and total stranger who I’ve never met in my life thinks she’ll say no. My friend of a friend of a friend is so confused.

A: I’ve received many letters like this friend, and I simply can’t understand why people are so concerned about these friends of a friend of a friend. You don’t even know the guy. Let him figure his own problem out. It’s not like you’re the Pope. Unless you are. In which case you should surely be worrying about something else other than this friend of a friend of a friend. Like finding a date for yourself. C’mon, you’re the Pope. Only two letters away from the Pimp.

Q: Hi. I’m the Pope. I just thought I’d let you know I’m not allowed to date anymore. But before I became a priest, I was rolling in the honeys. In a completely abstinencial way, of course.

A: Not allowed to date, eh? I should really get around to striking “become Pope” off my list of things to do before I die. And is abstinencial even a word?

Q: Murdock, this is insane. My best friend just told me he wants to date my younger sister. Should I: a) beat the living crap out of him and throw him in a dumpster b) beat the living crap out of him and throw him in the Bermuda Triangle or c) beat the living crap out of him then let him try to date my sister?

A: The correct answer is: d) date his sister. If he doesn’t have a sister, date his mom. Unless she’s married. In that case, try to find some kind of aunt or third cousin. I’m sure he has some single relation. While this may not solve the problem of him wanting to date your sister, it’s sure to prevent you from beating the living crap out of him and losing your best friend. Date his mom to save your friendship.

(Joe Grace is not responsible for anyone who is crazy enough to follow the Relationship Guru’s advice.)

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