Column: Perfecting the cookie


I love them. You love them. The Cookie Monster loves them. Even the British like them (though they call them biscuits for some odd reason that is beyond me – c’mon, you’d think they’d have our language figured out by now) Cookies are like the perfect snack food…or are they?

People in England began asking this very question. Because the cookie (or biscuit…whatever), as great as it is, has one major flaw. They crumble! And don’t you hate it when this happens? Maybe just a bit? Enough to fund research?

Somebody in England obviously hated crumbly cookies enough to fund research about it. And miraculously enough, they succeeded. Scientists have, indeed, discovered why cookies crumble. I know I’m going to rest easier at night now.

Using sophisticated laser techniques, physicists at the University of Loughborough, in the north of England, found that cookies develop “fault lines” a few hours after they come out of the oven, the AFP reported

This is magnificent. We have come to a point in scientific history where we are using lasers on Oreos.

This has got to be one of those turning points like the theory of relativity and the discovery that hitting somebody on the head with a rock hurts them. I can just feel global warming trembling in whatever footwear global warming may wear (my guess would be sandals). After science has finished picking on cookies, she (yes, science is a she) is going after global warming next.

But back to cookies for the moment. The science people found that as the cookie cools down, it expand around the rim because of moisture while contracting in the middle because of, once again, moisture. I knew at the beginning of the show that moisture was the culprit.

The result of this evil moisture pulls the cookie apart, which makes them vulnerable to crumbling when handled. I had no idea our nation’s supply of cookies was vulnerable! This brings up an important question. Will the missile defense system protect them as well?

To tell the truth, I don’t really want to know any of this. I don’t want to have to think anything about my chocolate chip cookie other than “my these chocolate chips are scrumptioulescent.”

According to the AFP, Doctoral student Qasim Saleem said the findings, published Thursday by the scientific journal Measurement, Science and Technology, could revolutionize the cookie industry.

“This will help biscuit manufacturers adjust the humidity or temperature of their factory production lines to change the cooling process in such a way that the biscuits won’t break up due to normal handling, and hence producing the perfect biscuit,” he said.

We could revolutionize the cookie industry! The perfect biscuit! I mean cookie! Imagine not having any of your cookies crumble! The consequence would be enormous!

For example: If you give a mouse a cookie, he’s not going to be able to eat it because the fricking Oreo won’t crumble! He’s then going to ask for a piece of cheese instead, but you’re going to give him rat poison because who honestly wants a demanding mouse in the house?

Well, I think we can all be proud that science has once again made the world a better place. Let’s just hope nobody lets on the cookies become soggy when dipped in milk.

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