Column: Aah need to stop it with the aahs

Well, it’s Ahh-ficial.

Ahh-nold is the new governor of California. A puzzling mix of Ronald Reagan and Jesse Ventura now controls the nation’s largest state economy. While this may sound idiotic to those of us not from California, we need to consider what’s really important. And that is we have to suffer through Total Recall jokes for the next two years.

I don’t believe Ahh-nold will annihilate California. Remember. Jesse “The Body – not The Mind, The Political Savant, or The Swell Guy” Ventura controlled the fledgling democratic state of Minnesota for four years, and last time I checked, it’s sill on the map. (It’s the state that looks like Canada puked on Iowa, right?)

If a professional wrestler can not destroy a state in four years, then surely California can survive two years with a former professional bodybuilder.

Ahh-nold will no be the answer to California’s problems, though.

Unless California’s problems include stopping a robot sent from the future to wreak havoc among the Los Angeles Lakers cheerleaders. Ahh-nold could so handle that situation in a manner that would be reported in the Los Angeles Times the next day.

But now, because of the California voters, Ahh-nold will have to handle much more difficult situations than that.

“Tonight, the voters did decide it’s time for someone else to serve, and I accept their judgement,” terminated governor Gray Davis told AP. (I’m really trying to contain myself with the bad Ahh-nold jokes, but they’re harder to avoid than a pregnant man!)

Poor Gray Davis. He is forever going to be the answer to the Trivial Pursuit question What politician should have changed his name to Supertramp Davis in order to beat Ahh-nold Schwarzenegger in the 2003 California recall vote?

One of Schwarzengger’s doomed competitor’s conceded in a memorable and touching way.

“In response to a common danger, the people of California rose to their duties and ordered a new direction for our state,” Republican state Sen. Tom McClintock told AP.

I wonder what this new direction is? Maybe it’s near the beach. So, is it THIS WAY? Or is it THAT WAY? Hmmm, let me THINK. Maybe, it’s…BOTH WAYS.

In the end, it’s not a question whether or not California will survive Ahh-nold, but rather if Ahh-nold can survive this megalithic state that has ruined it’s share of political careers. It’s a state with a newly appointed republican governor, a democratic legislature and more brownouts than a kindergarten cop (okay, now I’m just not making any sense). It’s ridiculous to think that Ahh-nold is going to be California savior, just as much as it’s ridiculous to believe I’m going to start referring to Ahh-nold in a more professional way.

If Ahh-nold is smart, and he actually is a pretty sharp barbarian, then he’ll blame everything that happens in the next two years on Davis while preparing for a run in 2006 when he can really get some work done on California’s problems. Like moving the state capitol to Hollywood. I think that would be Ahh-propriate.


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