Column: The week in review

More stuff in Iraq blows up.
Luckily, they are sending in Marines more suited to peacekeeping work to replace the Army that is now patrolling Baghdad. If the Marines fail, we always have the Coast Guard. “Hey, who wants to have a beach party!” What Iraqi citizen could resist that?

Lord of the Rings has eleven too many endings.
The film series worshiped by many suffered from a severe case of Ican’tmakeupmyminditis. As a result, many are falling asleep in the theaters including…

Aerosmith’s Stephen Tyler, who fell asleep during Lord of the Rings starring…Liv Tyler, the daughter he didn’t know he had for eleven years.
That’s okay. I fell asleep during Armageddon.

1 in 10 watch woman they’ve never met marry man they’ve never met.
Millions upon millions tuned in to watch the Bachelorette get married to a fireman she chose over thirty or so other guys. I’m stunned. Absolutely stunned. Why didn’t I remember to tape it?!

Rosa Parks needs to get off the lawsuit bus.
That great American icon of desegregation is suing the hip-hop band OutKast because they titled one of their songs after her. I guess that scraps my plan to name my next album “Howard Dean.”

Millions run as flu outbreak threatens city.
We have used up all our supply of flu vaccine, mostly because thousands of people who don’t really need it (healthy adults) take it, leaving it unavailable for those who do (children and senior citizens). You get sick for a few days. Deal with it.

NFL thinking about two Monday Night Football games.
If it wasn’t for that darn off-season, I’d never have to worry about having nothing to do on Monday nights ever again.

Gore chooses Dean.
Yes, Al Gore has hand picked James Dean to be the next president of the United States. Or maybe it was Howard Dean. Or possibly Gore just likes Jimmy Dean sausages.

Rolling Stones lead singer Mick Jagger knighted.
King Arthur must have rolled over in Avalon when he found out that he was a few millennia late of getting the chance to place this sagging faced rock god at his round table. I feel sorry for poor Guinivere as well.

America just says no to Russia, France, Germany and Canada…and the Guam Islands just because.
The Pentagon told several countries that they would not be allowed to win contracts to help rebuild Iraq…days before President Bush had to ask these same countries if they would write off the debt Iraq owed them. Can you say awkward?

Oldest fossil marsupial discovered.
Yes, the Queen of England did carry Prince Charles in her pouch.

German president says his people are too grumpy.
I would be too if I lived in a country that is unfortunately best known for lederhosen and mass genocide.


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