Column: Dr. Seuss was a lazy bum

I’m trying to write a children’s book and I keep running into the same problem.

I hate writing.

Needless to say, this is mildly disconcerting since my chosen profession is writing. But every time I sit down to form another chapter, waves of revulsion pass through me like greasy bar pizza. This makes it hard to write.

I’ve been working on the book for about a year and a half now. I’ve been working on the last 100 words for about five months now. At the pace of 20 words a month, I should finish this book by the time the Cubs win a World Series.

Not that it’s not a great book. It most certainly is. And you should definitely buy it if it is ever finished. In fact, buy two. I’ve always wanted to own a car without monthly payments.

But the problem is I can’t seem to finish it. I will write two sentences and decide that I need a brownie. Of course, I don’t have any brownies in the house. So I have to drive to the grocery story to buy brownie mix. And then I have to make the brownies. After I’ve made the brownies, I have to go back to the grocery story because I forgot milk. And then it’s time to go to bed.

Yes, the brownies were delicious. But two sentences a day will not a book make. Unless, of course, you’re Dr. Seuss. Then the book will be done in a week. And it doesn’t even have to make sense. It can be about yuzzies for goodness sake. The only reason Dr. Seuss is famous is because he realized children aren’t very intelligent and thus don’t know there is no such thing as a yuzzie!

Shame on you Mister Dr. Seuss.

You belong in a hairy alcatrazacaboose.

But my book isn’t about yuzzies. It’s about real kids with real problems like becoming popular and avoiding bullies and finishing books even though they hate writing.

But am I working on it right now?

No.

I’m writing a column about how I’m not working on it right now. Further proof that the writing profession is what keeps the psychotherapy profession in business.

That’s it. I’ve had enough. I can do this.

Today, I change.

Today, I learn to love writing.

Today, I become the writer I’ve always wanted to be.

Anybody else feel like a brownie?

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