Column: Only you can help Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart wasn’t able to ride a giant pumpkin after all.

Martha’s chance to row a 600-pound pumpkin across a Canadian lake washed away when her plane in Maine was stopped by all the rain. The rains then fell on all the plains in Spain. Sorry. Audrey Hepburn just took over my mind for a second.

The Queen of Clean was supposed to compete in the annual Pumpkin Regatta at Windsor, Nova Scotia, but never made it, despite getting clearance to go to Canada even though she’s a dirty liar.

I feel sad about this.

I really do.

Nobody should come so close to riding a giant pumpkin across the lake only to have it snatched away at the last second. That’s just wrong.

But there is something we can do. Pumpkin Fest is coming soon, and I’m sure somebody here can make a giant pumpkin boat for Martha. I mean, c’mon, it’s Pumpkin Fest. We then invite Martha to join us here in Northern Illinois and then set her adrift on the pumpkin boat in Lake Sycamore or some other body of water in the area that’s generously been given the term lake.

It’s the right thing to do.

Now, I can’t be the one making the giant pumpkin boat. First of all, I don’t even own a giant pumpkin. All I own are two miniature pumpkins I’ve decided to name Curious George and Boodles (Boodles is quite the rascal). Now, I may be able to make a lovely pair of earrings for Martha using Curious George and Boodles, but I most certainly can’t make a boat.

So it’s up to some farmer with a giant pumpkin to make this boat. And to call Martha. Because I’m not doing that, either.
What do you think I am? Crazy?

Now let’s go build Martha a pumpkin boat.

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