Column: Sober pong? Not likely

Anheuser-Busch (motto: Drink Responsibly…Wink, Wink) recently said it will end its marketing campaign of a drinking game called “Bud Pong” after shockingly finding out that participants were using beer instead of water to play the game, despite specific instructions from the company to use water during the game.

You just can’t trust consumers, can you?

When I was in college, the game was simply called beer pong. I suppose it could have been called “Whatever Beer Was on Sale Pong,” but beer pong worked fine.

For those who have never heard of it, beer pong is a devastatingly easy game.

Similar to “quarters,” the object of the game is to bounce a ping pong ball across a table into a cup of beer. If successful, the person on the other side of the table has to drink the cup of beer. And so on and so on, until all participants have decided to stuff the ping pong balls into their cheeks, believing it to be a good idea to imitate cheery chipmunks. Then everybody passes out before waking up with a massive hangover and ping pong balls in their cheeks.

It’s great fun.

But I have never heard of it being played with water. Ever. Even if Jesus was playing, and someone had put water in the cups, he’d at least have changed it to wine.

Anheuser-Busch has spent $500 million to promote responsible drinking, and, needless to say, “Bud Pong” fits more into the category of “I can’t remember what happened last night” drinking.

“It has come to our attention that despite our explicit guidelines, there may have been instances where this promotion was not carried out in the matter it was intended,” Anheuser-Busch spokeswoman Francine I. Katz said in a statement.

Somehow, it is believed she said this with a straight face. Afterward, she announced that Big Foot does in fact exist, and that Budweiser is his beer of choice to go with a big meal of Clydesdales.

Now, I understand that beer companies are occasionally guilty of stretching the truth. It seems that drinking beer doesn’t actually keep you fit and that beautiful young women really don’t dig fat guys. It’s true. They don’t.

But to come out and announce that they were surprised people used beer instead of water to play a drinking game is just ludicrous. How stupid do they think we are?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to remove these ping pong balls from my cheeks.


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