Column: Time marching on too quick? Here’s how to slow it down

How is it already November?

I remember my parents telling me as I was growing up that time would go by faster as I got older and not believing them because these were the same people that had already proved their untrustworthiness with the ugly Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny incidents.

But here I am, an adult, and wondering why we didn’t have October this year. Did October go on vacation to Bermuda and get lost in that dreaded triangle? Was it disbarred? Did the Grinch steal it? Somebody owes me an explanation.

Furthermore, I’m faced with the possibility my parents were actually right about something. I suppose staying up past my bedtime is a bad idea too.

Soon it will be Thanksgiving. Then it will be Christmas. And before I know it, it will be Thanksgiving again. And I don’t like turkey or the Dallas Cowboys so I kind of like a little bit of time between that particular holiday.

So, I’ve decided to slow time down.

Usually, when somebody makes a crazy prediction like “I’m going to slow time down” or “I’m going to get in shape” or “I’m going to use grape jelly as a hair product,” the typical response is to nod your head slowly and wait for a suitable pause to excuse yourself because you just remembered your dog’s on fire.

But I really am going to slow time down.

Now, this would be far easier if I had god-like powers, but those got stripped from me after I decided to give up my fortress of solitude for a female reporter. So, I’m stuck using more conventional methods like setting my clocks back an hour every day instead of once a year.

Needless to say, this may prove to be inconvenient on the days the sun rises at 3 p.m., but at least I’ll have saved over 15 days in a year. In two years, I’ll have saved up an October of my own.

You’re just nodding your head and waiting for me to stop talking, aren’t you?

My other more sensible idea involves better time management.

Instead of going home after a long day of work and watching television until I’m ready to go to bed, I’m going to start working on time-consuming projects that are relatively boring so the time passes by slower. If I’m really desperate for some extra time, I’ll break into a doctor’s office after work and sit in the waiting room and read.

But sitting in a doctor’s waiting room and reading isn’t exactly a good way to spend one’s free time. Sadly, they say time flies by when you’re having fun. I like to have fun. I don’t like time to fly by. It’s a dilemma.

To solve this dilemma, I’m going to just create a new cliché.

Time flies by … never.

I have officially revoked time’s pilot license. It is grounded like Kiwi Airlines. So from now on, time walks along leisurely when you’re having fun. I think everybody will agree that this is a far more promising situation than when time was flying all over the place while you’re trying to have a good time.

Unfortunately, science has yet to prove that changing a cliché has an effect on, well, anything.

So of my three ideas, two are crazy talk and the third involves breaking and entering.

And to make things worse, the last hour just went by in 10 minutes.

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