Column: Tractors are sexier than Cash

Kenny Chesney’s “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” may be the greatest country song every written.

With the new Johnny Cash movie coming out, many people may argue for “I Walk the Line” or “Ring of Fire,” but unfortunately those people don’t write a column.

I came to this revelation at a wedding I recently attended in Peoria in which the opening notes of Chesney’s masterpiece elicited a scream of approval from the bridesmaids in attendance. I didn’t hear a Johnny Cash song all night. It should probably also be mentioned that the mints were shaped like John Deere tractors, which I enjoyed far more than the typical boring pillow mints doled out at wedding.

John Deere tractor mints or not, I have to admit “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” doesn’t have the depth of the typical Johnny Cash song like “I Walk the Line.”

We can even compare the lyrics to prove this.

“She thinks my tractor’s sexy. It really turns her on. She’s always staring at me. While I’m chuggin along.”

What we learned: Guy owns tractor. Girl likes tractor. Thus, girl likes guy.

“I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I keep the ends out for the tie that binds. Because you’re mine, I walk the line.”

What we learned: Guy owns tractor. Guy sees another equally attractive tractor. Guy decides to stick with own tractor. Thus, tractor likes guy.

Now, in one of these songs the girls ends up liking the guy, while in the other the tractor ends up liking the guy. Call me old-fashioned, but I have to go with the guy-girl relationship over the guy-tractor relationship.

I should clarify something. I’m not a big country music fan. I’ll listen to it if it happens to be playing, but you’d never catching me giving any country music song a scream of approval.

Thus, I’m the perfect person to judge country music. It’s just like being on a jury. You want somebody who’s never heard anything about the case so that he or she can be objective. Since I hear a new country song about once every two years, I’m pretty sure I can be objective about stuff like “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” vs. Johnny Cash. And I say “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy.”

I’m sure many of you aren’t convinced. But go to any wedding south of Interstate 80 and you’ll hear the Sexy Tractor Song over the Depressing Dead Guy Song. I guarantee it. And if it’s good enough for the happiest day of your life, it’s good enough for me.

“She’s the only one who really understands what gets me. She thinks my tractor’s sexy.”

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