Column: Dead deer and pretty dresses


Dead deer are gross.

This may seem painfully obvious, but you don’t realize just how gross dead deer are until you drive past 30 or so of them on a highway.

I was driving back to Illinois with my girlfriend last weekend after attending a wedding with her in northern Wisconsin. (She got to wear a pretty dress. I got to see her in a pretty dress. Everybody was pretty happy.)

And it was a good, dead deer-free trip for the first 10 minutes or so. But then Rudolph’s dead cousins started showing up.

And showing up. And showing up.

There were dead deer hanging out of windows.

There were dead deer strapped to car roofs.

There were dead deer stapled to the back of trucks.

It was really gross. It was like “Dawn of the Venison.”

Now, I understand deer season is relatively short and that hunters need to kill while the killing’s good. But do you all have to transport your prey in full sight of other drivers? That’s why God invented the tarp. Even wild animals hide their kill after capturing it.

But it seems to be a sign of pride for hunters to show passing motorists exactly what they did.

“Hey, look! I just killed Bambi’s father! Now he’s an orphan!”

In turn, the passing motorists wish they had skipped breakfast entirely after seeing Bambi’s dad flapping around on a hood with his tongue lolling about.

Again, I have nothing against deer hunting. The deer population needs to be trimmed or else they’ll take over Wisconsin. And nobody wants Wisconsin to become the salt lick capital of the world.

All I’m asking is that hunters be considerate of others when hauling their load. If you want to show off that deer you just bagged, cut off its head, hang it on your living room wall and host an open house.

But be sure to have tea and crumpets. Nobody’s going to bother attending an open house unless there is tea and crumpets.

And maybe some crackers and venison paté.

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