Column: Crashing into a pot of gold with Bon Jovi

I’m not exactly sure how one is supposed to live safely in a world that allows Bon Jovi to hijack rainbows and crash into pots of gold.

In Bon Jovi’s latest song, “Who Says You Can’t Go Home?” (Answer: Your mother) he sings about being a gypsy lost in the twilight zone and hijacking a rainbow and crashing into a pot of gold.

This leads to a number of important questions:

1. What has happened to today’s song lyrics? They’re terrible. And unlike in the 1970s, most artists today are fairly straight-laced and can’t blame them on drugs

2. Doesn’t “hijacking” a rainbow seem to be a rather extreme and forceful way of gaining entry into a patch of giant colored rings? Couldn’t Bon Jovi have bought a ticket like the rest of us?

3. And maybe the most important question of them all: Did the leprechaun survive? We can only hope.

How did Bon Jovi show these lyrics to his producer with a straight face? Most musicians have a shelf life, and it seems that Bon Jovi has exceeded it by at least 10 years.

Now, I know there are plenty of Bon Jovi fans out there, people who wouldn’t care if he sang about hopping on a comet and eating a Milky Way as long as he kept singing. But those people are what I like to call “tone deaf.” Or “musically challenged” if you prefer the more politically correct term.

Simply put, Bon Jovi’s music is terrible. Much of the music available today is terrible. We’ve gone from having poets writing song lyrics to kids wearing Mario Bros. wristbands writing song lyrics.

And it’s not like there’s anything I can do about it, either. Any song I write would invariably be about either lawn gnomes or squirrels, and frankly, there’s just not a market for that sort of thing yet.

So I guess the thing to do is to just suck up my pride, put on my headphones and hijack a rainbow with Bon Jovi.

With any luck, we’ll crash into a pot of gold.

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