Column: Can’t sleep knowing Barry Bonds is wearing a dress

I’m exhausted.

You’re probably exhausted too.

A recent Zogby International poll confirmed this by indicating that nearly half of Americans don’t get enough sleep.

Now, while I don’t exactly trust any group that names itself after a potential children’s television host (Zogby the Friendly Emu!), I do have to agree with the whole “not getting enough sleep” thing.

I simply do not get enough sleep each week.

Most of the time I seem to be in some sort of waking dream while going about my daily business, which leads to confusing episodes such as seeing Barry Bonds in a dress on television. Is this really happening? Or am I just having my usual nightmare in which Barry Bonds tries to get me to join Charlie’s Angels with him?

It’s not good.

Perhaps going to bed earlier is the answer. But then when would I watch David Letterman? Perhaps getting out of bed later is the answer. But then when would I have to get in line for my unemployment check? And would it clash with my David Letterman schedule?

Most of the time I’m too stressed when I get home to go to sleep immediately. I have to unwind by playing a game of Madden 2006 or watching one of my favorite movies (“Pirates of the Caribbean” and “Ocean’s 11”). If I’m feeling ambitious, I’ll go to the YMCA for a couple of hours. In any case, I’m rarely in bed before 11 p.m.

And I don’t even have children. If I had any spawn, I don’t see how I would ever get any sleep. It would be “Night of the Living Dad” every day of the week.

When I do go to bed, I have trouble falling asleep.

This must be a new problem. I seriously doubt people in jolly, olde England had trouble falling asleep. They woke up, they farmed, they went to bed. Unless, of course, you were a dapper gentleman. Then you tossed and turned all night wondering whether you should marry the wealthy duchess with the large, um, dowry or the down-on-her-luck peasant woman who would be the girl of your dreams if you were asleep to have any.

I never should have read that Jane Austen book. That was a mistake.

These days, though, it seems like everybody has trouble falling asleep, not just dapper gentleman. I think a large part of this is due to the fact we’re overstimulated throughout the day. We’re bombarded with images on television. We quickly scroll through Web pages on the Internet. We do a number of different tasks at work.

Then we go to bed, close our eyes and see … nothing. And we come to the quick realization that “nothing” is quite boring. So our mind tries to stimulate itself to match the craziness of the day. And we can’t fall asleep.

Which is probably just as well since Barry Bonds is waiting for us once we do, wearing his dress, wondering if we’ll join Charlie’s Angels with him.


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